Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Portal: First Christmas
Indiana
Characters: GLaDOS, Chell, Wheatley
Synopsis: Christmas is coming! Oh noes!
Chell just did not know what to get GLaDOS for Christmas.
It would be their first Christmas together, so Chell had to make sure it was something special and amazing! She knew that GLaDOS thought Christmas was silly, so Chell had to try very hard to convince her that it was worth celebrating. She had already gotten her to have a snowball fight, and drink hot chocolate in front of a roaring fireplace which she had also made GLaDOS build, and wear a nasty Christmas sweater so Chell could laugh at her but secretly think about how cute she looked when she was embarrassed. But while she was thinking this, Chell realised she needed to conveniently remember how she had gotten to this point in her life and began without delay:
When the door of the shed had slammed closed behind her and the Companion Cube, Chell had not known what to do. All she could think about was how she could not stop thinking about the fact that she was constantly thinking about GLaDOS. GLaDOS had called her a fat orphaned monstrous abandoned worthless brain-damaged dangerous mute lunatic, and had tried to mash her and gas her and squish her and melt her and vapourise her, but the very, very worst thing she had done was… stolen Chell’s heart.
Yes, Chell said to herself, burying her tears into the sooty remnants of the last reminder of all that mattered to her in the entire world, she was in love with GLaDOS. And surely GLaDOS must love her back, right? She had saved Chell’s life! That was more than enough to make up for all the things she had done, which Chell was now thinking she was silly for ever having been angry about. She would do anything to have GLaDOS beside her, insulting her and abusing her once more! Chell would give up all this freedom, this blue sky and this real air and this true, unadulterated sunlight, all for the chance to test forever for GLaDOS again.
Chell stayed there for a very long time. She didn’t care that the sun was burning her vitamin D-deprived skin, or that the Cube was very, very dirty, or that she had been sitting in the same position for who knew how long. All she cared about was that GLaDOS came for her and showed Chell that she didn’t really have to leave.
Chell didn’t know how much time had passed because she had cried herself to sleep over her heartbreaking loss, but when she woke she immediately knew someone was standing behind her. For some reason their shadow lay over top of her, regardless of the fact that the sun was in the wrong position in the sky, and her heart leapt into her throat as she froze. She had never been afraid through any one of GLaDOS’s tests but now, sitting outside of a nigh-impenetrable laboratory under the surveillance of an omnipotent, omniscient supercomputer, leaning on what was undoubtedly a very heavy piece of equipment perfect for tactical manoeuvres, she feared for her life.
“I suppose you’re just as deaf as you are mute, lunatic? I said I wanted you gone, not moping on my doorstep.”
Chell opened her eyes and stared at the soot on the Cube, hardly daring hope – the voice, it was undoubtedly her voice, but… but how…
Chell slowly turned around, more for dramatic effect than because she wanted to delay looking at GLaDOS, and what she saw made her heart skip two beats, because one beat was too cliché:
Behind her was a super realer-than-realistic hyper hyper realistic android – or that was what Chell thought it must be, because no one had told her this yet and it would be silly to just assume it was an android – and not only was it dazzlingly realistic, it was perfect. She was perfectly tall, with the perfect weight while also having an ample behind, with a bust size larger than Chell’s even though such organs would be totally purposeless and stupid on an android because it would be unable to bear children. She had pure white hair cut in a perfect chin-length bob, even though a bob is very hard to keep out of one’s face when one is attempting to do science, and she had a perfect little smirk on her pale, pale face as she regarded Chell with glowing golden eyes beneath perfectly slanted eyebrows. She was clad in a skintight (chassis tight?) pure white suit, black gloves encapsulating her perfectly long and slender fingers as she balanced perfectly upon knee-length black boots with six inch heels. She was, of course, the very manifestation of the term ‘drop-dead gorgeous’, and Chell thought she was about to drop dead because the dazzling beauty of this android was such that she was forgetting to do everything from breathing to stopping the drool from dropping out of her mouth.
“You look so surprised,” the android said, with a toss of her perfect bob that seemed to hang in midair so that she moved in slow motion, enabling Chell to ogle over every perfect individual hair. Chell, still unable to talk, managed to just barely point a finger at her seeing as the sight was so beautiful she was pretty much paralysed.
“Oh, this?” GLaDOS said very casually, shifting herself smoothly to put more weight on her left foot, placing her right hand on her now very attention-grabbing right hip and making a shrugging gesture with her other hand. “Oh, it’s just something I had lying around. You know. In case I ever needed to fit in with the humans on some mission that requires me to learn several life lessons that, in the end, teach me that being a robot is silly and I must be a human in order to have any worth or to feel good about myself. Though you can’t see it because having anything other than perfectly sculpted feminine muscles would be unacceptable, I am also extremely strong and extremely realistic. And when I say extremely,” GLaDOS said, raising her perfect eyebrows so that they disappeared into her perfectly cut bangs, “I mean extremely realistic. But only in desirable ways. If you catch my drift.” She finished that off with a scandalous wink and Chell nearly fainted right then and there. GLaDOS bent over, at a perfect ninety degree angle that violated all the laws of physics, and placed her long fingers under Chell’s slack jaw. “Yes,” she murmured seductively, her black lips far too close to Chell’s face merely because they were not close enough. “I’ve noticed you. Watching me. In between that time I was killing you and you were killing me and then I was killing you again and then you were killing me and then I was a potato, I’ve seen many things in your eyes. Things you tried to hide from me, but I noticed because of course I know everything about how relationships work and everything about attraction even though I’ve lived by myself in a lab and had no contact with anyone meaningful in my entire life. Come. We have much to discuss.”
Author’s note
This is a parody of clichés in fanfic and not meant to be taken seriously.
